Ron Sings: The Twelve Days Of Christmas
by Harmonic Friction
Summary: After three years, I updated. And once again, it is not Christmas. I must make you into a bunch of confused people.
1. Ron Sings: The Twelve Days of Christmas

*Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K., but don't blame her for my strange sense of humor.  
  
* Warning: Slash and incest tries to make itself known, but Ron doesn't let it. Also, don't get sad, but it isn't Christmas yet. I know, I know. It isn't even December. I apologise for any confusion.  
  
* If you are home alone, sing this little carol aloud to yourself to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Enjoy. ^-^  
  
^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^  
(Curtain opens. Ron steps out.)  
  
RON: (Sings) On the first day of Christmas, Hermione gave to me: a kiss that was NOT on the cheek. (Oh, yeah!)  
  
On the second day of Christmas the twins gave to me: two Ton Tongue Toffees and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (Don't ask.)  
  
On the third day of Christmas, Snapey gave to me: three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (::retch::)  
  
On the fourth day of Christmas, Harry gave to me: four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (Uhm... I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable...)  
  
On the fifth day of Christmas, I gave to me: Five... Topless... Veela..., four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (Huh?)  
  
On the sixth day of Christmas, Weatherby (OOPS!), I mean, PERCY gave to me: six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela, four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (GAAH! Gosh, you GIT! Go find Penelope, or your beloved Fudge! Anyone but me!)  
  
On the seventh day of Christmas, (to my siblings and me) Mum gave: seven Weasley sweaters, six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela..., four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (::blush:: Stop, Mum!)  
  
On the eighth day of Christmas, Malfoy gave to me: eight unfriendly punches, seven Weasley sweaters, six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela, four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (Excuse me while I throw up slugs!)  
  
On the ninth day of Christmas, Seamus gave to me: nine River-Dancers, eight unfriendly punches, seven Weasley sweaters, six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela, four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. ;-( No more...  
  
On the tenth day of Christmas, Fleur gave to me: ten erotic wishes (YES!), nine River-Dancers, eight unfriendly punches, seven Weasley sweaters, six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela, four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (All right. That wasn't so bad. I supposes I can keep going..)  
  
On the eleventh day of Christmas, Umbridge gave to me: eleven new assignments (wench!), ten erotic wishes (NOOOOOO!), nine River-Dancers, eight unfriendly punches, seven Weasley sweaters, six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela, four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two ton tongue Toffees, and a kiss that was not on the cheek. (Oh, bugger! That's nasty! ::washes mouth out with detergent::)  
  
On the twelve day of Christmas... (::gulp::) WHAT? No... No, I can't possibly say it... No, it's too awful, too terrible, too sick and unkind...  
  
All right, all right. ::sigh::  
  
On the twelve day of Christmas... ::ahem::... You- Know- Who gave to-  
  
HERMIONE: ROOOOOONNNN!  
  
RON: OKAY, OKAY. VOLDEMORT gave to me: twelve ghastly bruises, eleven new assignments, ten er- never mind, nine River-Dancers, eight unfriendly punches, seven Weasley sweaters (Oh? He knits, now? How cute.) , six words of "wisdom", five...topless...veela, four chocolate frogs, three loads of nothing, two Ton Tongue Toffees, and a- No, I can't say it.  
  
ALL OF HOGWARTS, INCLUDING FILCH IN A SANTA HAT: Just say it!  
  
RON: No! I can't! It's awful, not to mention insulting!  
  
MALFOY: (Takes the stage) You bloody prat. I was deeply insulted by your verse on me, but you don't see ME complaining! (GROUP: (ad. lib. "Yeah". "I agree". "Brilliant". etc.) ! Just say you kissed the poor old chap, and END THE BLOODY SONG!  
  
ALL OF HOGWARTS, AND SOME OF THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC: Get on with it!  
  
RON: (crying) I won't.. I won't...  
  
ALL OF HOGWARTS, THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC, AND SAINT MUNGO'S: (Singing) And a kiss... That was not on the...  
  
(A crazy, fast instrumental part plays. Everyone starts dancing; Voldemort does the disco; Veela strip; Hagrid and Snape do the dosey-do; Hermione tangos with Malfoy; Ron pushes them apart and takes the stage once more....)  
  
RON: (Loud and proud) Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!  
  
(Hermione and Ron snog. Curtain Closes.)  
  
*Author's note: Whew. That kind of turned into a Monty Python film gone bad. Please forgive my insanity. Read it? Please review it. 


	2. The Death Eaters Sing: Voldemort is Comi...

Dis'blame'r: You asked for a second chapter, you got it! You did it, not me! YOU DID IT! You've been cautioned.. Oh, and thanks so much for the reviews! I love reviews! It's comforting to know I live in a world where people have problems like mine. **Crazy smirk** Hahahaha.  
  
AN: This next piece of work may offend some. It is about DeathEaters and Voldemort, acting in strange ways... Letting children down, hitting elves, ridiculing Muggles... So, this may be strictly Slytherin humor, but I hope all will get a laugh out of it.  
  
VOLDEMORT IS COMIN' TO TOWN  
  
^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**  
  
(Curtain re-opens. Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, and a few other DeathEaters walk out in black elf clothes, with matching jangling hats. They stand, backs facing the audience. They stare at the wall very seriously, and then, turn around one by one.)  
  
ALL:  
  
You'd better watch out!  
  
You'd better not cry  
  
You'd better not pout- I'm tellin' you why:  
  
Voldemort is coming to town...  
  
He's making a list  
  
He's checkin' it twice  
  
Gonna find out who's not on his side  
  
Voldemort is coming to town...  
  
LUCIUS' SOLO:  
  
He sees you when you're sleeping  
  
He knows when you're awake..  
  
He knows if you've been bad or good.. So be BAD, for goodness sake!  
  
(They pause to put their arms around eachother. The music slows down. They begin to can-can.)  
  
You'd better watch out.. (Kick!)  
  
You'd better not cry... (Kick!)  
  
You'd better not pout- (Kick!) I'm tellin' you why: (Kick!)  
  
Voldemort is coming to town...  
  
( The sound of screaming is heard. A whip lashes.)  
  
(ENTER Voldemort, in an ebony sleigh, using House Elves as reindeer)  
  
VOLDIE:  
  
On, Smasher! On, Banter!  
  
On Spaz-cer, and Spitsen!  
  
On Vomit! On Stupid!  
  
On Goner and Gitsen!  
  
(Whip lashes again)  
  
VOLDIE:  
  
HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHA!  
  
(Takes off into the sky)  
  
DEATHEATERS:  
  
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
(Much clapping/ Excited chatter)  
  
LUCIUS:  
  
I hope Voldie Claws gives me a- a- new hair bow for Christmas!  
  
(Silence)  
  
BELLATRIX:  
  
Uhm.. Lucius, we've been meaning to tell you.. That hair bow is kind of.. Ahem... Well, it's just that -  
  
(LUCIUS looks completely angry. Turns music up again.Music drowns out her voice. They resume their dancing.)  
  
ALL:  
  
You'd better watch out!  
  
You'd better not cry  
  
You'd better not pout- I'm tellin' you why:  
  
Vol-de-mort is com-ing to tooooooooooowwwwwn...  
  
(Applause) 


	3. The Black Family Sings: Deck The Halls

*Dis'blame'r: This is Sirius' family, the loving Blacks, with one of their favourite Christmas carols. Contains spoilers for OoP.  
  
THE BLACK FAMILY SINGS: DECK THE HALLS  
  
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@  
  
Deck the halls with heads of house elves  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
String them up with jangling sleigh bells  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
Don we now our dark apparel  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
Sing a grim DeathEater's carol  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
See the blazing Squib before us  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
Strike a Mudblood; Join the chorus!  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
Follow me in morbid measure  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
Every Pureblood is a treasure  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
As we walk into the night  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la  
  
You run to your homes in fright  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la la  
  
Though we'll slay your kids and sisters  
  
Fa la la la la la la la la la  
  
We still wish you 'Happy Christmas'  
  
Fa la la la la.. La la la. LAAAAAA!  
  
~*Seasons Greetings from the Blacks*~ :-) 


	4. Lucius and I Sing: Azkaban Rock

*Dis'blamer: "Jingle Bell Rock" Lyrics belong to Joe Beal and Jim Boothe. (Yes! Someone actually wrote the original! Damn Santa never gives anyone credit! *mumbles at Santa* Wouldn't it be awesome to write an Xmas song and get paid every year?! Go Joe and Jim!!!) All right, characters belong to dear old J.K.  
  
*AN: I have nothing against Lucius! Lucius is great, but I had to make fun of him. And some slash is in here just so you're warned. (Of course.. It's Lucius.) Also, slight OOP spoilers.  
  
AND THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE CRAZIES LIKE ME- yeah, you know who you are! Thanks for reviewing this insane collaboration of once innocent Xmas carols.Oh, and Happy Holidays, even though I'm quite late! Try singing this one aloud- you'll have a swell time.  
  
~*~*~*~*AZKABAN ROCK*~*~*~*~  
  
Azkaban, Azkaban, Azkaban rock  
  
Cell doors swing and dinner bells ring  
  
Hair dryer blowin' in Cell #601  
  
Primp time for Lucius M. has begun  
  
~  
  
Azkaban, Azkaban, Azkaban rock  
  
Dementor slime on your cold cherry pie  
  
Wishing for prime rib, and fanciful faire  
  
With your newly washed hair  
  
~  
  
What a drab cell!  
  
Such a gray Hell!  
  
Wish you'd brought curtains along  
  
Visiting time  
  
At quarter past five  
  
You'll hope your hot Narcissa arrives in a thong!  
  
~  
  
LUCIUS:  
  
Giddy-up, Voldemort  
  
You're moving too slow  
  
Don't you see I'm dying here?  
  
Some of us are suffering  
  
You don't seem to see!  
  
You just disappear!  
  
~  
  
Azkaban, Azkaban,  
  
Click goes the gate  
  
It's becoming apparent  
  
that you're more gay than straight  
  
When Snape is placed in the cell next to yours  
  
You act like a desperate whore!  
  
~  
  
Azkaban, Azkaban, Azkaban rock  
  
Severus denies, so you think 'bout your wife  
  
You feel kind of dumb when you finally see  
  
Workin' for Tom ain't what it's cracked up to be!  
  
~  
  
Azkaban, Azkaban, Azkaban rock  
  
The game room is fun when your free time has come  
  
During foozeball, you run into Bellatrix Black  
  
And wish she'd get in your sack!  
  
::(Or you pretend you do, so everyone in the jail will quit calling you a 'Pumpkin Pastie'.)::  
  
~  
  
What a sad time!  
  
It's a bad time!  
  
To ask for another piece of cake  
  
Lucius Malfoy, you should be more coy-  
  
If you don't wanna take part in the Dementor Shake!  
  
::(Dementors begin to dance, doing said 'Dementor Shake' and also the famous 'Dementor Hop'.)::  
  
~  
  
LUCIUS:  
  
Giddy up, Narcissa!  
  
Please get me out!  
  
Don't you see I need clean socks?  
  
It's making me go crazy, and it's just the first day-  
  
That's the Azkaban Rock!  
  
That's the Azkaban Rooooooooooooock!  
  
~*~  
  
*AN: Oh. Poor Lucius. Damn that Dumbledore. *hugs Lucius. gets hissed at.* Actually, you deserved it! 


	5. Dobby and People Sing: Dobby the Elf

AN: I know. I _know. _It isn't Christmas, but I have a nasty habit of being late. Plus, it took me a long time to find the actual lyrics to this song, because my tape broke. "Alfie the Elf" lyrics belong to Wee Sing audio. (Has anyone else heard that? It is SCARY and DEPRESSING.)

* * *

**DOBBY THE ELF**

Dobby the elf, Dobby the elf,  
Dobby the elf was Malfoy's helper  
Dobby the elf just loved to try!  
But when he worked for Master Malfoy  
Dobby the elf could only cry

--

**OW! **(Lucius jumped on his toe)  
**UM!** (Draco broke his thumb)  
**GEE!** (Blamed for everything!)  
**Oh boy!** (And he "ruined" their "joy"!)

--

Dobby the elf was thrown a socky

Dobby the elf was suddenly free

But soon he realized it was tough

After centuries of the same old thing!

--

**OW! **(Narcissa slapped him hard)  
**UM!** (He broke that damned thumb again!)  
**GEE!** (_"It's not my fault, don't you see?_!)  
**Oh boy!** (_"Quiet, Elf! You're ruining our joy!")_

--

Dobby the elf was so discouraged,  
_Help me nice ones, won't you try?_  
So Hermione gave Dobby a brand new purpose  
and Dobby the elf no more did cry

--

**OW **for he felt secure

**UM **he was no longer dumb!

**GEE **_Thanks, Her-my-oh-nee!_

**Oh boy! **No more Malfoys!

--

Dobby the elf was oh so happy  
Thank you, dear Potter, for this joy  
"Now I can cook up lovely foods  
For every little girl and boy!"

--

**HERMIONE: **But that's _inhumane! I had nothing to do with that! _I demand this be changed immediately!

**RON: **But she _will _take credit for the bladder hats.

**HERMIONE: **They aren't _bladders, _RON!

**RON: **Right, they're stomachs.

**HERMIONE: **NO!

* * *


End file.
